'06 I believe

You showed how to be myself
Not to worry of others thoughts
Even when I’m the outsider
I’ll remember what you said
Even if you didn’t realize it
I saw myself in parts of you
And thought of how I could be
Now I am much of that person
I used to hide in a shell
And collect plastic turtles
Know I like to talk
And ‘collect’ friends
I’m not as shy
And I sort of like parties
I do wild stuff
I hug like I mean it
And I don’t mind romantics
I now actually sing
Because when you sing it makes me want to
I’m not scared to be myself
Because now I’d rather be hated for who I am
Then loved for who I’m not
You took me all this way
Let me help you too

i may, or may not, redo my room.

i'll probably delete my facebook before the month is out.
i'll check and make sure i deleted myspace while i'm at it.
i'll delete my other blogs, and likely leave this one to gather virtual dust.

msn will get used, and gmail will keep pace.

other than that, I may, or may not, redo my online connection usage.

call it what you like, but RC has left the building.

logic is a bummer sometimes

Its been exactly 2 months since I last wrote. Sometimes I feel as though when I'm writing on my blog I have to say the thing that everyone will like. The thing that everyone with read, which they don't, and like, and comment positively. When you write something that you want other people to like, its mainly not what you believe. And you're likely not very passionate about it. I was thinking about this the other day, and if you're passionate about something you can still be convincing despite the fact that some people may not like what you're saying. Its like Matthew, an ex-tax collector, the ultimate public sinner. The sort of person you would think once out of the job would go hide himself in a hole and feel sorry for his lack of friends. But no, somehow when Jesus comes along and pulls him out of his job and says follow me, he goes, and definately doesn't hang around in some boring old hole. His life becomes a quest to loving others and passionate preaching, telling of the turning point of his life and bringing the truth message to the hurting. That sort of transformation simply isn't logically doable. Its like God is saying to me that despite the fact transformation and passionate belief isn't 'possible', He can do everything. Change me from being the logic addict into a child like believer of His love. Sometimes I wish I wasn't pumped with 'God knowledge' from day one. Don't get me wrong, I love living in a Christian home, having grown up in a love cocoon, but sometimes I think that starting out in an entirely hopeless situation would have me more willing to jump at the logically impossible. Wanting to fall in love with Jesus, a want that's distracting. It makes me feel cliche and hypocritical to talk about faith and God's unimaginable love for me, this way, but I know its the truth, why can't I drop the knowledge from my head to my heart? It keeps getting stuck in my throat with the words that I try to choke back.

Ironically, convictions have just knocked me over the head.

I mentioned it previously, but I'm currently reading the book "Growing up Christian". I haven't really been taking much of a genuine interest in it, as I discarded it as 'to-be-read-school-literature', but I will, because this point is valid, and it makes me wonder what I've missed so far.

This weeks' chapter is on convictions of faith, and if your beliefs are faith based and personally established. Nearing the end of the chapter I came upon a group of questions with which I will follow more comments.

1. What would you say to someone who asked why you believe God exists?

2. What would you say to someone who asked why you believe the Bible is true?

3. What would you say to someone who asked how to tell whether something is right or wrong or whether something is true of false?

4. What would you say to someone who asked why it is wrong to lie?

5. What would you say to someone who asked how you know heaven is real?

6. What would you say to someone who asked you how you know Satan is real?

7. What would you say to someone who asked why you believe Christianity is true and other faiths (such as Mormon, Jehovah's Witness, and Islamic faiths) are false?

8. What would you say to someone who asked why you attend church every Sunday?

9. What would you say to someone who asked how you know Jesus truly was God and wasn't just a great prophet?

10. What would you say to someone who asked why you are a Christian?

I know I would be at a significant loss of words. At least right now. I want to change that.

To leave you with a thought, how about you, how would you answer?

An old, stooped man of a shuffling gate advanced slowly down the shelf lined hall. A particularly bushy and greyed mustache took up a prominent stature, this was topped by tired, but clear blue eyes. The wrinkles on his face rolled over each other, but the look of the face was friendly and laughing. He sat in a cushioned chair, settling slowly. He sat, seemingly motionless, unyet, he was not, for his eyes followed the small children as they scurried about the shelves, his face creased by a smile of appreciation for their activity and his peace. He sat for about an hour until he unhurriedly made his exit. He carried no books, and no evident benefit, but for the far away look on his face as he traced back through the memories of his childhood, his siblings, then later his own family, and even after that, the grandchildren. And now the children at the library.


I saw this man at work, obviously, and though was unable to talk to him, observed him most of the time he remained there. That which I would not know from his looks is obviously a ficticious add-on from my imagination, but it is quite interesting to think of such, in such a way.

What's the point?

I pretty much always ask that question. Maybe its because I'm a lazy bum and I have to have a reason to do something. Maybe its that I'm wondering where it will take me. Either way I think that if I trusted than I'd be able to do something without asking 'what's the point of this?'

Its really makes you wonder.

What I found especially disheartening today was talking about something that I'll have to do in two years, something that seems impossible right now. Something I'd crazy to attempt at this point.

Sitting, Waiting, Watching (wishing).

Beware sarcasim and brutal honesty

Well I last blogged on the 21st of September. Makes me feel guilty for neglecting it. Arn't you supposed to use the Internet communications (MSN, blogs, facebook, etc) as an aid, not a crutch, or a necessity? I guess that's sort of a question that I already know that answer to. That's really why I'm off Facebook for October (Keith's idea). Still I feel the need to 'stay connected' over MSN.

I'm doing too much. But I'm not doing enough. And I've totally just like, right out, cut down my schedule by like 2 events a week. If I just didn't have to sleep, then I'd get everything done, oh yeah, plus my goal to look like a raccoon.
Last night I went to the Rockton Fair. I don't regret using the time that way. I met some pretty awesome new people, and hung out with some old (hah) people. Than why am I so resentful towards losing the time. Maybe I want a full day to work, plus of course, a few hours to socialize, and then a full nights sleep. It just doesn't work that way. The day is perfect in length the way God made it. That's another thing, I believe about God making everything, and being like this intensely loving guy (excuse the term, it was for lack of other), but, I don't really feel personally connected to him. In fact I don't really think I fit under the term "Christian". I seriously don't like that, because I'd rather, but really, has it come to splitting groups in labeled columns by evidence of their actions? ...I don't even like the term Christian, because though it does define a certain group, they're all amazing individuals, they shouldn't be stuck in a group. I don't know how to explain the whole labeled thing, but if you ever thought about it (which I didn't until one of my best friends made me) you can't be in the box (or or the term), unless you acknowledge it.

Brittni, you need to read 'Growing Up Christian' by Karl Graustein, so we can talk about.


Busy, busy, busy, busy, busy, busy. And lonely.
I have to do Art, Math, and Science homework this evening.
No one is home.
My parents are a at Gaither's concert (ohh goodness, VERY abnormal).
And Kathleen is babysitting.
And I'm sitting here with this little ache in the pit of my stomach saying "come back!"
It used to

Art. Two point perspective, Tonal Rendering & the Proper way to make railroad ties (the most annoying exercise on the planet).


For love - we'll give it a shot.
Whooah, we're half way there.
Whooah livin' on a prayer.
Take my hand and we'll make it - I swear.
Whooah livin' on a prayer.
We've got to hold on to what we've got

I think I'm going to go talk to God. And listen to that song. I like it.