Thula sizwe, ungabokhala

april? seriously?!

2010-04-13T11:14:00.003-04:00

my list keeps get longer,

and the worry just gets stronger,

but I'm moving beyond it all,

crying out, giving call

lifted.

free.

soon to be done.

maybe.

but somehow, I'm not worried anymore.

blahblah

2010-03-24T11:29:00.001-04:00

stress-stress-stress

I have a list

I have time

I keep getting sick

and then sicker

please, can I have a week with time, without sickness?

alice!

2010-03-20T23:42:00.002-04:00

cough cough

how abnormal to watch the movie and then realize you have the book without thorough scrutiny.

a

2010-03-11T22:28:00.002-05:00

hello hurricane, you took it all away

but now I'm back again, to start new today

and I'll become what I was, and more

hello hope, you're a welcome friend

dawn

2010-03-10T17:49:00.002-05:00

at some point in life you come upon the realization it's time to move on.

maybe not everything has to change.

but something drastic has to happen to salvage the situation.

you need to step back to take a breath, have a nap, and think.

that space will create the rational thoughts and reactions that are required to survive in stress, in the world.

I don't mean to run, but it seems I've been hiding for so long, once I stood, I was doomed.

now let me stand. not alone. but a little ways off.

and maybe, one day, I'll come back. but maybe not. life is short.

the day you learn that you should "never take life seriously. no one gets out alive". is the day you'll start thinking again. the steps I took. those footfalls, and footprints, are not what I need, are not leading where I need to go.

this is me taking a breath so I can learn to love you again.

if you question that, think on this: the point is to love. if our function is pointless, what then?

Can't. is a swear word.

2010-01-29T16:12:00.001-05:00

You'll heal when you're cut

and I'll help you rise

but I can't stop the knife

so I can't stop the tears

I can't save you from death

so don't let me see you

with dew's death kiss

I can't stop the knife

so I can't stop the tears

please don't do this

you're cutting my heart, in two

metaphorical reality

2010-01-29T16:11:00.001-05:00

I like to write in graphite pencil

I like to drive on fresh asphalt

It's like the pen would have to scratch the page

before the rubber meets the road, and my heart hits the bottom

lostyear

2010-01-26T13:33:00.002-05:00

hold on to the we way started

how it all should have gone

somewhere love was disregarded

and it all came undone

nothing's a breeze

we suffer

we bleed

for two hearts to beat as one

we learn as we go

at least now we know

something we get has begun

surprise province.

2010-01-16T12:42:00.004-05:00

I thought I was in Ontario.

and then I found out I was in Quebec.

and that was rather exciting.

yes, rather.

for some reason, that just excites me.

also, it makes me partially invincible.

hmm, shall I try flying?

bonjour!

rock

2010-01-12T21:15:00.002-05:00

sometimes I read things that make me laugh, because they're so loaded with secondary meanings it's like two languages in the same words.

sometimes I like it, because they are talking to me. without calling my name.

rock.

what's new?

2010-01-11T09:30:00.002-05:00

how ever terrible it sounds, it was simply easier to let somebody else tell you.

when you hurt, my heart aches for you. I would do anything to try and fix that.

even when you fight me, I fight for you.

smiles

2010-01-09T23:28:00.001-05:00

there's something about seeing a smile on the face of the person you love,

and know that you were the person who made them smile,

and that same expression, of completely euphoric love, is mirrored on your face,

even just in photographs, that tell the stories of the past.

memories, frozen, smiles, so genuine they never become dull,

captured smiles that reach all the way to their eyes, and back to their lips.

"The Conflict of Oka, 1990: Native Land Disputes and Status Abuse"

2010-01-08T22:02:00.003-05:00

[this is a paper I wrote for Geography, on a Canadian issue..

posted because I'm a hardcore nerd. 8)]

The Conflict of Oka, 1990: Native Land Disputes and Status Abuse

Through out the years Canada’s diverse cultural base has caused clashes between different groups. Most of those conflicts are accented by the racial differences. Race is the match that ignites the fire, which then blossoms into all the issues that that group feels are wrongs against them. Using their race as a label to push their “human rights” and achieve their, more often than not, distantly related demands.

One of those particular conflicts is know as the “Oka land dispute”. It happened in the summer of 1990, near Montreal Chateauguay, in the small community of Oka. The issue that started the stand off was that of a land dispute. Typical in the way of native and “settler” communications, the government made a move to lease, or sell a piece of land to a local golf course, who had the intention to expand the course. This was offensive to the Mohawks of the Kahnawake reserve, because they claimed that the land encroached on their burial ground. Then-current Oka Mayor Jean Ouellette said that the land belonged to the municipality. And so the property struggle began.

Over the next year, the Mohawks tried to prevent the golf course expansion through legalities, and the courts. When this did nothing, they became angry and violent. Mohawk warriors set up barricades across the roads and barbed wire around the forest in question. Once they had blocked all access to the area they took up occupancy among the forest known as ‘The Pines’. Exactly where they were was the strip of land that the town council wanted to bulldoze for the golf course.

The Quebec police shocked the media audience and the community by storming the barricades, clad in riot gear. They attacked with tear gas and a ‘hail of bullets’. After about 15 minutes of chaos, the police retreated just as quickly as they had arrived. All that the strike had done was claim the life of police officer Marcel Lemay. In the question of who had provoked the attack by firing first, each side claimed it was the other.

While the physical battleground of the protest was heating up, that of the leadership crumbled; Quebec Native Affairs Minister John Ciaccia, the leadership that had the power to make decisions walked away from negotiations. Originally Ciaccia was sympathetic to the Mohawks, but then said that they had purposely wrecked a deal to end the confrontation. The federal government finally stepped in as an official decision making party, but refused to resume negotiations with the protestors until the barricades were dismantled, and taken away. This was the point at which it became obvious the protest was now about a lot more than the expansion of the municipal golf course.

While Oka’s dispute continued to frustrate and infuriate both sides of the negotiations, the rest of the nation watched. And more Mohawk bands took action. Bands from Quebec, Ontario and even New York State also filed land claim conflicts. This action was evident of the way the native people across Canada, across the continent, rallied in support.

The tension between the two groups rose yet again as the Canadian Army arrived in the small town of Oka. Over 2,500 soldiers were reported to “descend” upon the town. People prepared for the worst as the army approached the main barricade at the edge of the Mohawk guarded territory. The army was decked out in full combat fatigue and in command of tanks. They appeared ready to remove all the occupants, but instead they waited. A scene that has become a signature, symbolic of the friction between the two groups, is that of a dramatic stare-off between a Canadian soldier and a Mohawk warrior, named Lasagna.

Soon after the Army moved in, after 78-days of stand-off, which started with the death of Corporal Lemay on July 11^th, it suddenly ended. In surprise surrender the masked Mohawk warriors put down their weapons and left the woods. This caught the soldiers off guard and the scene dissolved into a mass of pushing, shoving and screaming. Though it was violent and disorderly, no shots were fired, and 34 people were eventually arrested. Those people were held and questioned, but none were convicted, or taken to trial, and were soon after released.

My opinion of the Oka conflict is that the Mohawks of Kahnawake took advantage of their privileged status to achieve their goals. From my research I find that the land was only NEAR to the burial ground, and not actually on, or destroying , it. With a little co-operation, both sides could have learned to share, and had what they wanted. I am not personally of the opinion that a golf course is worth fighting over, considering the lack of interest I find based in such a sport, but that aside. The highly publicized and intense conflict was uncalled for, from both sides. I believe that the Quebec police’s attack was out of line, and a warning of eviction, or removal, should have been issued. After which, if unanswered, an orderly removal, arrest, and detainment of those offending parties should have been conducted. However, I do realize that the situation applied a lot of pressure to act, on the police, and what looks good on paper, and in after thought isn’t always plausible, or thought of, in the moment.

Overall, the issue addressed, and echoed throughout the native versus white land disputes, is one of selfishness and abuse of native peoples’ status. The views of Canada are one of acceptance, one that encourages new immigrants, and enjoys it’s patchwork of different cultures. Why can we not establish that which is rightfully the aboriginal people’s? After such an agreement is created, the strain of the “rights” lines would be considerably easier not to violate. What is written out, and mapped, is comprehend able, and unarguable, and therefore considerably more peaceful.

Resources:

http://archives.cbc.ca/politics/civil_unrest/topics/99/

http://www.firstnationsdrum.com/fall2000/hist_oka.htm
sorry that the formatting messed up, and kudos if you're nerd enough (like me) to read this through. :)

backwards

2010-01-08T14:45:00.002-05:00

sometimes I feel like I have my brain was installed backwards

then I realized that God doesn't make broken things

where we are, what we do, what happens

those are the things that break us

sometimes I think that if I let it all fall

then I will fall, I will fail

then I turn around and let it all fall

and it works out better that way

the crumbling pieces that I gather in my hands

and try to put together

when I let them fall, they fall to larger hands

to loving creator, who pieces them together

makes me look like new again

and all the haunts are just whispers now

every crack, all the emotion, all it's lessons

are stored in this restored mind

if only I could cling to this sanity

that should come so naturally

instead, I turn from the perfect and try to find the pieces

I want to remake me, myself

trying, so hard

to do, what I know

is useless, for

what I do, is all ready done

society

2010-01-06T18:54:00.002-05:00

It has come to my recent attention that for all our technological advances, the society in which we live is deteriorating. If not by visual, or physical make up, by social, and emotional measures. A particular focus that I discussed with one of my friends was that of emotional, and therefore relational and moral deterioration.

Yes, I obviously knew the world wasn't perfect. But so long as I made the small, and regular adjustments to the change, I didn't take note. It "wasn't important". All things are important in their own right. Though things that are out of our hands are not personally pivotal, we are wise to consider and attempt to understand them.

The chain reaction of emotion, to relational deterioration is highlighted in population. Our emotional needs are not cared for because of the lack of respect in our society. Our current Canadian population is falling due to lack of families. Lack of possible child-bearing relationships? No. These relationships are ones that lack consistency. These are not marriages. They are one-night stands, (quote: "gone wrong"), turned to abortions, and more emotional agony. These only lead to more pain, and more quick fixes. Easily working through the nation of already broken families, and smashing hope at every turn.

Somehow, even when this painful chain is realized by individuals, their attempt to accomplish success in this "technologically advanced" society, causes more pain. Even when a mate is found, and a marriage relationship achieved, both are socially pushed to attain education and a good job. Jobs which take the time that would be used to form and care for a healthy family. Jobs whose only function is to stash away money, and buy large flashy things. Visual assets to show their impressive social status. Things, that mean nothing. Families, that break for lack of care. This is the nation that we live in.

True, north, strong and free.

Yes.

Free to lack respect? I hope not.

Why not the simplicity of one-income households? The realization that relationships hold far greater value than things of this world? That relationships that last are far less painful, and you find yourself loved, through loving another. Resting in the knowledge that you have mutual love.

Why not?

2010-01-06T00:19:00.000-05:00

I remember life before you.

and it was terrible.

2009-12-29T15:20:00.002-05:00

yesterday, I read my blog for the first time in about a year.

it was eye-opening.

somewhere in my brain at some point there was preliminary understanding to the answers of questions that still shadow my mind.

at some point, I was smarter than I am.

that's something to aspire to beating.

I'm not sure what will be happening with blog usage now, whether it will be regular, or sporadic, or what kind of topics will be on it, in what style of writing. But it should get some posts.

to start;

happy christmas, and a blessed new year!

pei

2009-07-20T15:52:00.000-04:00

truly is the land of the emerald, the sapphire and the ruby.

2009-05-14T14:38:00.000-04:00

sometimes the quiestest sound is whispering the thing you need to know the most.

2009-04-14T20:11:00.001-04:00

The news of the day is a figment of our technological imagination.

2009-03-03T22:53:00.000-05:00

if you could make a wish,

that would be granted.

what would you wish?

going, going, gone

2009-02-13T11:55:00.005-05:00

Quebec time is coming,
and I am getting stoked.

I have to pack.
Even that's exciting. :)

board, check!
boots, check!
helmet, check!
awesomeness, check!

special birthday

2009-02-10T11:07:00.002-05:00

one of my best friends is turning sixteen next week.
this is a shout out to one of the most amazing people in my life.
thanks for being consistent, being honest with me and sharing your life.

I love you.
:)

melodies

2009-02-06T11:45:00.000-05:00

Watch my fingers skip
Don’t blink
Don’t break the magic that they’re weaving
Send a shiver down your spine
Wrap its icy fingers round your neck
Watch my fingers skip
Weaving such a haunting song
Calling not to leave a lonely soul behind

angry?

2008-10-25T01:44:00.003-04:00

the things I post are always the ones that are either really sad, angry or happy. a strange coincidence, but what else would I write on. the rest is relatively dull and uninteresting. if that is so than I have no interest in writing about it.

I wonder if regular bloggers are peaceful people, because they have a vent.

he's gone.

2008-10-15T13:54:00.001-04:00

10:15 on 10/15.

have fun in heaven, grandad.
I'll meet you there.

hello blog

2008-10-15T00:26:00.001-04:00

only thirty words, yet everything I needed

the promise you'll be there, here, lingers

with hope i dare to dance

and all the wonderful things

2008-08-03T22:20:00.002-04:00

This summer is crazy.
actually, it's also pretty well gone.
in a strange sort of, soon to be gone, but entirely enjoyable while it lasts.

Its funny how seeing a lower side of life where people with less make you appreciate what you have, even what would be labeled "normal", or at least labeled such in my world, like family. I saw a sign the other day that said this; "Family, its were everything starts". It was a random sign, but it was indeed rather thought inspiring. I also saw another sign, it said this; "all children left unattended will be given an espresso and a free puppy". It was less thought provoking and more laugh provoking.

Campfire was incredible. even being nervous when I first got on the bus, over the ride, and the break down of the bus I got to know some awesome people, before I even set foot on property. Once we got to camp it was everything I was told it was, as cool, and perfect, and more. The first person I saw (well, saw standing almost still, the rest of them were moving REALLY fast) was Crans. She wasn't my conselor, but Noa and Grippig were! (I'll call them by their camp names for simplicity) Monday was a total blur following that, and so was the rest of the week, but I'll try to pick out some highlights for the day. Bunking and meeting my cabinpack (officially, the best ever) was Monday's HL. There were Kim, who I knew before, Danielle, sarcastic and cynical, but awesome none-the-less, Christie, and Jess, who were totally pumped for God, and, Helena, who would teach me how to hemp -->AWESOME. It was crazy how quickly we bonded, and I felt my own "place" there. I was comfortable to be extreeeeeeeemely outgoing, so I met a lot of people, and got tight with a good amount of those aswell.

Tuesday was Inglias Falls. I'm still unsure how to spell the name. But I loved it. CPDs were done in view of the falls, and were definately an even deeper connecting point for our cabinpack. Danielle and I weren't instantaneously best buddies or the like, and we got a long just fine, but CPDs made us tighter, 'cause in response to a question; "why are we exposed to suffering?" (something quite close to that) Danielle and I, in perfect wording and timing replied "to test our faith and make us stronger in our trust of God". It was pretty epic. :) Then came the actually swimming in, or "on" the falls. Tori and I climbed around on the rocks a whole lot, which was fun! Even slipping on furry rocks and sliding in and then be swept away for a bit was fun. Altogether the falls were totally inexplicable. I loved it, it was beautiful, and I was with friends (lots of them) doing adventuresome things.

Wednesday.
Was being happy the whole day, and chapel, and the fire. and singing. a lot.

Thursday, Wasaga beach. Learning to hemp (the right way), watching william fly a kite for 3 hours, buying sandshovels with candy from tuck, and playing guitar with kim/talking guitar with Garry. Wait, the bus ride back still topped all those. Having an intense conversation with Kim and Tori about characters and how to deal with them, and how to love people who are hard to love, and complicated things like that.

Friday. Being busy ALL day, it seemed more than other days. And the fire/sugar throwing ceremony, and making up with Samantha. And making friends with Sam over tears and bear hugs, she went from being someone I knew vaguely to someone I thought of as my friend. Awesome batman belt and all.

Saturday. I didn't have a favourite time on saturday, because I was sad to leave my conselors, and my cabinpack. I cried on the bus, so did Kim. We're definately tighter for it all. WAY tighter.

Grippig went back to Holland already. :( I'm going to miss her. Even when I read her wall posts and photo comments and the like on facebook I hear her. I read one out loud to my mom and found I had subconiously spoken in a dutch accent.

Noa and Grippig, both had accents. I love accents, I think dutch might be my favourite for girls, and South African for guys. hmm.

I'm having a "campfire reunionish partyish sort of thing" at my house on tuesday. I'm stoked to see my friendlies again!

In other news, I'm done writing for tonight, even though I barely skimmed how amazing campfire was, and everything that's been happening around and about my life recently, plus its late. Goodnight, or good (really early) morning to Grippig/Lianne in Holland.

done!

2008-07-07T10:23:00.000-04:00

or rather....I'm going to be....soon.

haha

have an awesome day!

ps.

2008-06-26T22:05:00.003-04:00

I haven't fallen off the face of earth, I just happen to be working a lot.

Blogs, msn, and emails fall to the wayside of "more important" things.

Somehow though, even when I'm working I have all this brain time and get all these ideas and they run around my head, and some of them write themselves into stories that stay all packaged up and then suddenly split up and mix with something other until I have 20 new ideas, and 40 old ones that have all mixed and twisted up in the stranges ideas and calculations and stories. And sometimes you can't write any of them out, which is a strangly disappointing thing that is only proven stronger when you find just expressing the existance of them hard.

Sleep is an odd thing.

Like an off button.

Though things like off buttons were likely derived from the natural rest of sleep.

No. They were.

the end.
goodnight blog.

fun times

2008-06-26T22:02:00.001-04:00

ghostly to toasty.

arguments

2008-06-03T22:05:00.002-04:00

"that has NOTHING to do with failing your arms in the basement"

"So you think you can tell me my morals?"

"uhuh, uhuh, uhuh, yep, okay, uhuh, yeahh, right, yuppers. You're wrong."

"thats a red herring."
"what the heck is a red herring."

"Guys, would you just stop arguing already, I'm tired."

Arguements are pretty cool, especially when you're arguing a point you really don't believe, so you just have like two facts and you're using straw men and circular reasoning like crazy, and for some reason, the other person doesn't notice. ;)

By the way. I'm playing soccer tomorrow. Sheldon Park. Not the purple team. Come watch.

4 days
7 days
14 days
and 18 days

wee-oot life

2008-05-16T15:43:00.001-04:00

my sister has a chew toy and my dog is on drugs.

what crazy world am I living in?

going for a nap,
Rachie

2008-05-14T16:47:00.001-04:00

the tears fall with the curtain,

will there be a second act?

only the Playwritter knows that.

2008-04-29T21:19:00.002-04:00

to put into words exactly how I'm feeling would a long and complicated process.

OCHEC was the usual.
The strange gap that showed itself every so often as groups split, and gained people, and dissolved. I made a new friend, and not with the premeditated intention of doing so either. I just happened to meet some cool people.
The Sessions that were good, but long.
The food court food that drives me crazy.
And the Sheraton's new pillow topped mattresses.
The overall affect?
I had a good time, I could have been good with a little more patience towards some particularly flirtatious parties, but it was fun.

This week is the short time in which I try desperating to sleep a lot and get a lot done at the same time, whilst finishing up AOC preperations with my mother.

Thursday, Friday, Saturday is AOC. I'm so extremely excited my mind is dancing. See, I don't dance, and well, considering I can't even figure out if I want a carrot or not, or which band to pursue at this time, than I think that justifies my mind-dance. :)

Then Drama week. *sigh*

fun story:
I wrote on my friend's wall with crayon.
It was incredibly fun. :)(L)

excited!

2008-04-23T15:02:00.002-04:00

I haven't been this excited, since, like, the Canoe Trip or something.

AOC!

I finished designing the nametags this morning, after which I promptly was set to filling in everybody's info. A long job, and somewhat challenging due to the different formating and pieces that have to mesh just right so the print makes it look nice in stead of jumbled and fun. I have to print out a test sheet. Which happened to include my name, and I was like jumping up and down as it came out the printer, it was PERFECT. And the best part of this excitement? This is only the beginning of it!

Another thing I'm pretty happy for is the fact that the main bit of co-op and choir are over, it's not that I don't like those things (socially, of course), but the homework/practicing was getting to cause a bit of an overload. Actually a lot of one. Oh well!

dodododododododod

If you were at the New Years party I was at, than you will know what I mean when I say I'm still making headway with relationships. Sure, if you payed me to burn bridges I'd be a millionare, but I'm rather happy to say that most of the bridges burnt, (were done so in ignorance and misunderstanding, and) are repaired, or being repaired.

One more thing,

I just want to take a minute to shout out the Keith. Monday wasn't exactly the most easy day, sure it was overall fun, but geez there was a lot of drama. I needed a hug, and well, lets just say Keith is pretty awesome at giving hugs, and somehow, extra good ones just when you need them. So yeah, Keith, thanks for making me cry, it made me let go a little (even if you didn't see me cry), I love you, thank you for being my incredible friend. :)

and I'll be running..

2008-04-18T16:13:00.005-04:00

..when the sand runs out...

Its weird how I didn't seem to realize before that one day people would walk out of my life, and into another stage of theirs. Perhaps a staircase to another level where we will meet again, perhaps a hall that leads them away, not to return.

time.

life.

preparation.

death.

eternity.

rather preparation for eternity is the form of life.

I hate the feeling of being suffocated by a smell. Usually an unpleasant smell. How odd that came up. It could have to do with the broken down old car nextdoor that they still try to drive. hmm.

Hot.

Spring.

Growing.

Summer.

Campfire!

Soon enough, I suppose. :)

Anthem of the Outdoors

2008-04-16T21:55:00.002-04:00

I saw my first firefly today.
Just a wandering spark in a grey-blue sky.
I could hear the crickets.
Whether it was my imagination or not, I haven't decided yet.
The jiggled of dog tags coupled with the clicking of their nails on the sidewalk.
The busy hum of some summer-wishing people as they gather around a spitting barbecue.

The sounds that say come out. Stop working. Come out and breathe. Breathe the noises, and the sights and smells. The little croci buds peeping through the earth. The earliest of tulips poking their heads through their clustered leaves.

You know, I used to say having just summer and winter would be cool with me. But spring is pretty awesome. All the anticipation, and fresh, growing things. And fall, well, without fall I wouldn't be here, so I suppose I'll have to learn to appreciate fall. :)

I have to finish my art project,

goodnight!

shut it out

2008-04-05T13:02:00.002-04:00

I have nothing you need, just a lot to hide
So why am I still here with You by my side

All I do is mess up, do the wrong thing

Instead of shining light, darkness shines through me

Don't wanna talk about it, just wanna shut it out

I'm not as bad as you think, the things I do are right

At least that's what I say, try to tell myself

Got it under control, I don't need your help

Try to do the right thing, end up doing it wrong

Don't deserve this life or even write this song

More I think of you, less I think of myself

Lord, increase Your light and shadow me out

Tell me it's out of love... why can't you see

Tell me it's out of love... it's You, not me

So with the mind, I myself serve the law of Him

But with the flesh of my bone, serve the law of sin

O wretched man that I am, who will deliver me

From this body of death pulling from His tree

I wanna talk about it, don't wanna shut it out

I am as bad as you think, the things I do aren't right

At least that's what I say, try to tell myself

You got it under control, Lord I need Your help

:(

2008-04-02T16:40:00.000-04:00

Wenn mein Blockschloß fällt, ist Gott dort, mich anzuheben wieder.

:)

thoughts? I haven't decided yet.

2008-04-01T11:44:00.005-04:00

Its April 1st. There's 16 minutes left until the joke's on them.
I just might make it out prank free.

So AOC is getting pretty big. We have almost 90 participants registered so far. That's 20 more than last year's meager 70. 70 people isn't bad, but when our limit is 100 its a bit of a let down.

I printed, filled out, and sent out my Campfire! registration today. I'm pretty pumped for it. Brittni tells me its amazing. And Kathleen, Sarah and Nikki second that, so I'm thinking I have it on good authority that it'll be worth my time, etc. Sami and Lia and maybe Timon (sp?) are supposed to be coming the same week. Teenweek 1. Fun stuff. :)

Its funny, I'm planning all these things, and I actually have to plan them super carefully, cause I have work, and conflicting obligations. It definitely wasn't this way last year. Cheers to meeting new people, making new friends, and getting tighter with the old people.

I have an ART project I have to do. I'm not sure when it's due, but I'm plotting to have it done by this Thursday so then my teacher can't tell me she doesn't like my idea and make me change up my sketches again. I suppose it is a rather flawed plan, but hey, if she wants me to redo it then I'll have one I like, and one she likes!

I did a sort of gig on Friday. At Sweets'n'Suites. Christy and did an acoustic cover of Pressure by Paramore. Which was pretty awesome. But especially her singing. I almost dropped my guitar twice cause I forgot to tighten it up before we went on, but she kept singing which was brilliant, and so I've been told, made it less noticeable. :P Next time the strap will be tighter and I'll keep going. lol. I think I like next times. More like having a second chance to do something over better. Anyway, it wasn't at all crappy, cause Christy totally covered!

Shout out to Christy, thanks for being chillax with my insaneness, I love you.

Another thing that's happening is I've given up MSN/Instant Messaging, Facebook, and Music/my ipod(s) from March 29th to April 27th. Its like a 30 day famine from those things. With the 30 hour (food) famine smack dab in the middle. (ps. if you want to sponsor me, I'd love you forever. Kay, so, if you know where my blog is, and who I am, then I already love you, and you're likely doing the famine yourself, so in either of those cases ignore this, or still be nice and sponsor me. Even a couple bucks helps a kid without water, now that's a good cause for your pocket change!) Right, so about this 30 day thing...the reason? Things were falling apart, and a few of those things were eating time that should have been being used to keep on top of school/life/everything. As a side note though, while you're around me don't feel obligated not to listen to music, I still like it, and if I'm with you its usually because I am somewhere doing some (ie. driving, at choir/co-op/youth group/church or w.e) its the music within my personal time and choice that I'm cutting down (not out). So I'm still playing guitar, and I have a couple CDs, like Lara's! :)

Kay, so I'm going to go try to do a final hash out of my art project, which I might post pictures of. Might. Eventually. haha

bye!

this is what happens when you start talking to your dog...

2008-03-14T15:38:00.001-04:00

I should point out that the reasons I was talking to my dog a) no one else was home. b) you really need to talk some stuff out after you think about it like crazy for a long time. c) having someone/thing to talk to with rather expressive ears in quite amusing.

I've been thinking a lot about jealousy. Mainly in connection to the saying, "insults are the words of the jealous." Sometimes I find it hard to believe that. And though its not that insults stick with me long, or majorly rip me up, but that they do hurt some people, and I need to be aware of what I'm saying. I don't believe myself to be truly jealous of anyone at this time, but that's not a promise to me that I won't become wrapped up in what someone else has, or even is, sometime. And subsequently fall into the trap of insults.

Sparky: "Woof (x40,000)"
Me: "Sparky don't be jealous of that dog." (thoughts) why did I say jealous? where did that come from? would one dog sitting in the sun at a window be jealous of another bounding through the snow, tongue lolling..?
Perhaps the descriptions seems little overkill, but brain processes are pretty wicked fast, and that's what I caught.

You can sew up the rip, but you'll still see the tear...

I sewed up a rip in my jeans this morning. I thought I did pretty well. Until I bent my knee and the whole thing went different ways. I guess I'll be sewing them up again pretty soon, but it reminded me of jealousy again. Maybe I'm stuck on it, plainly put, obsessing over jealousy. But I'd rather be uber cautious than careless. Anyway, the rip. Its sort of like a situation of jealousy. Lets be crazy and use an interesting analogy. hmm. OK so Maria has a hairbrush a want. And that's the 'rip'. Then I get a hairbrush like it, that's the 'sew up job'. Then she gets a comb to go with it, and that's how it 'rips' again. Of course, that's a strange analogy considering that most like their own hairbrush, if they even use one, cause its not like I make a daily habit of it. But that's besides the point. And if you get the point, congratulations. You must be a genius, cause this is super muddled.

In a brief of what I'm trying to say is that jealousy can be there without you knowing it. You can be hurting others through the reaction to your emotions. Insults aren't the only sticky spot out there. Jealousy can be dealt with, but without being guarded towards it you're not guaranteed to not start up again.

And yes, I talk to my dog. :)

2008-03-11T19:50:00.002-04:00

I've decided I really like Potjie (simply pronounced poyKEE). It's a South African type of Oxtail stew/soup. Its quite delicious.

Busy. Again, most people are busy, but lets just saying sharing just what you're doing makes it a little easier, in a little odd way. I was writing down my April shifts for work and wondering how on earth I was going to manage to get my shifts for March filled. Cause if I don't I won't be able to go boarding. Not good. So, I was stressing over changing shifts and fitting when I was working in with when people wanted to see me, and stuff I was doing, and it was seriously getting pretty depressing. So I'm sitting there being grouchy and then I realized the only reason I was depressed-ish was cause I was stressing over how many people wanted to see me....aka these people loved me,. so I had no reason to be sad or grouchy at all. So I called some people from work, and set them up to get back to me once their plans were finalized. So the ball is rolling. I could have fill-ins for every shift within the week. On the other hand, I might not...but lets just keep that hand behind my back for now shall we? Unfortunatlly I haven't been the most diligent I could have been with my schooling this year, and I know I'll be feeling the crunch at the end of the term so I figured I'd use March Break as a catch up. Well...between working, planning work, and trying to also catch up on sleep I guess I'm doing half as well as I should be. Nothing like a jam packed wensday worth of work though. Mum will be away for the morning. Kathleen will work half the day. Dad will be at work. And my only shift is an hour long. Perfect!

The Random Dog Poem

The walkers parade on the sidewalk across the street

The leashes guide imaginary dogs

As they dip below the snowbanks

The only dog to show its face is the Great grey Dane

The rest seem the same

A phantom running with the end of the leash

Aha, okay, that was super random fun to write.
And now I should go do some work.

one last thought though,
"War is the price of peace.."
Is this true or false?

you know what's joyous?

2008-03-07T15:14:00.003-05:00

walking on freshly mopped floor and getting you socks soaked.
talking a walk in the middle of the city and seeing a woodpecker (one I have yet to define).
laying on the floor and wrinkling your nose at the doggy breath in your face.
opening a door that you didn't know what there.
blogging regularly.
knowing that today you're going back to work.
knowing that even if you miss people now, you'll see them again.
being weird enough to crave salad.
planning things. :)

and finding there are no misspellings in your newest blog post.

boarding

2008-03-05T10:39:00.000-05:00

boarding is a fabulous thing.
so is flying.
when the two are combined they end in a landing.
landings hurt when your board isn't the first thing in contact with the ground.

I do so love boarding.
I should like to go right now, if I were able.
such a lovely amount of snow.
too bad Rachie had to go and get herself hurt.
shame, shame.

list

2008-03-03T12:45:00.000-05:00

So going to the whole 24hour movie shoot has inspired me to do a few things...

1) actually write a plausable story that could be remodeled into a movie
2) do something to do with a crazy amazing camera really soon
3) appreciate my friends like an intense amount more than I do right now

and on the note of inspiration...certain people at teen club/young peoples inspired me to do these things...(numbered by continuation of list A)

4) learn how to ride a rail ALL the way on my snowboard
5) practice riding goofy
6) start doing bigger jumps involving 360 grabs and the such
7) be more critical of what I chose to listen to in the way of music, artists and bands
8) spend more time with my guitar...if I'm so in love with something slightly sonstructive, I should do it more often
9) write more varying riffs
10) learn how to play riffs and full score properly with good timing and all that

I think that's the extent of my list, for now. In other 'news' I'm going boarding tomorrow! (which will be a good time to excersise points 4 through 6.) A couple of my good friends are leaving for florida on thursday, which is sad, yes, but somewhat good, because I might be able to focus on school and work, and get a lot done. And therefore be able to spend more time with them later. This isn't really that much of a piece of news, cause everyone is it....but I'm rather busy. I think business happens to keep people on their toes.

Another thing....I'm going to be writing more songs on guitar...so remind me to get in some riffs...and if anyone knows a band with a good solo I can try out please let me know.

going to walk Sasha and Sydney!
:) goodbye blog.

leap day!

2008-02-29T13:32:00.000-05:00

I thought I'd post on leap day just so I can make a tradition (maybe..?) that I'll only have to remember every 4 years.

Leap days are ussually passed over easily as an essential part of the 4 year calender, created just to keep us on track in the sense of numbers and dates and such. I guess it might have something to do with the rotation of the earth in relation to the sun, but I'm sure if, or how it would, so I'll leave the technicalities to those who actually know without looking it up wikipedia. But anyway, while leap days are passed over as a regular day I realized this year that really they're a blessing. To have another day in the year to be able to spend enjoying your blessings. To enjoy friends and family, and for this time of year, another day of education. I really did not enjoy school much until I read a post on a certain person's blog and realized how much I was ignoring as unecessary work. And though yes, it is unnecessary, it gives me the leg up in the culture I live in, today. Somehow I want to make today the different leapyear extra day. Do something special for someone. hmm.

Enjoy your extra day! :)

patience is a virtue

2008-02-29T13:22:00.000-05:00

Patience. I can hear my mom saying it. If she were here she'd probably be telling me that right now. Tonight, I go on an adventure. And I can't wait.

I seriously cannot. I mean maybe being tired will be a big downside, but its not like you can't deal with tiredness. Hm.

1:30pm. Hm. 11 hours until it starts. Approximately 18.5 hours after that I'll be done. Who knows what emotions will be pumping through me by then.

Right now its joy, and a lot of excitement, mixed with a bit of frustration and a little sadness. Over all it makes for a rather lobsided equation on the part of excitement.

Thank you, Keith.

(p.s. the my blog clock is sadly out of time)

'06 I believe

2008-02-20T18:33:00.001-05:00

You showed how to be myself
Not to worry of others thoughts
Even when I’m the outsider
I’ll remember what you said
Even if you didn’t realize it
I saw myself in parts of you
And thought of how I could be
Now I am much of that person
I used to hide in a shell
And collect plastic turtles
Know I like to talk
And ‘collect’ friends
I’m not as shy
And I sort of like parties
I do wild stuff
I hug like I mean it
And I don’t mind romantics
I now actually sing
Because when you sing it makes me want to
I’m not scared to be myself
Because now I’d rather be hated for who I am
Then loved for who I’m not
You took me all this way
Let me help you too

2008-01-15T21:41:00.000-05:00

i may, or may not, redo my room.

i'll probably delete my facebook before the month is out.
i'll check and make sure i deleted myspace while i'm at it.
i'll delete my other blogs, and likely leave this one to gather virtual dust.

msn will get used, and gmail will keep pace.

other than that, I may, or may not, redo my online connection usage.

call it what you like, but RC has left the building.

logic is a bummer sometimes

2008-01-07T09:45:00.000-05:00

Its been exactly 2 months since I last wrote. Sometimes I feel as though when I'm writing on my blog I have to say the thing that everyone will like. The thing that everyone with read, which they don't, and like, and comment positively. When you write something that you want other people to like, its mainly not what you believe. And you're likely not very passionate about it. I was thinking about this the other day, and if you're passionate about something you can still be convincing despite the fact that some people may not like what you're saying. Its like Matthew, an ex-tax collector, the ultimate public sinner. The sort of person you would think once out of the job would go hide himself in a hole and feel sorry for his lack of friends. But no, somehow when Jesus comes along and pulls him out of his job and says follow me, he goes, and definately doesn't hang around in some boring old hole. His life becomes a quest to loving others and passionate preaching, telling of the turning point of his life and bringing the truth message to the hurting. That sort of transformation simply isn't logically doable. Its like God is saying to me that despite the fact transformation and passionate belief isn't 'possible', He can do everything. Change me from being the logic addict into a child like believer of His love. Sometimes I wish I wasn't pumped with 'God knowledge' from day one. Don't get me wrong, I love living in a Christian home, having grown up in a love cocoon, but sometimes I think that starting out in an entirely hopeless situation would have me more willing to jump at the logically impossible. Wanting to fall in love with Jesus, a want that's distracting. It makes me feel cliche and hypocritical to talk about faith and God's unimaginable love for me, this way, but I know its the truth, why can't I drop the knowledge from my head to my heart? It keeps getting stuck in my throat with the words that I try to choke back.

2007-11-07T17:20:00.000-05:00

Ironically, convictions have just knocked me over the head.

I mentioned it previously, but I'm currently reading the book "Growing up Christian". I haven't really been taking much of a genuine interest in it, as I discarded it as 'to-be-read-school-literature', but I will, because this point is valid, and it makes me wonder what I've missed so far.

This weeks' chapter is on convictions of faith, and if your beliefs are faith based and personally established. Nearing the end of the chapter I came upon a group of questions with which I will follow more comments.

1. What would you say to someone who asked why you believe God exists?

2. What would you say to someone who asked why you believe the Bible is true?

3. What would you say to someone who asked how to tell whether something is right or wrong or whether something is true of false?

4. What would you say to someone who asked why it is wrong to lie?

5. What would you say to someone who asked how you know heaven is real?

6. What would you say to someone who asked you how you know Satan is real?

7. What would you say to someone who asked why you believe Christianity is true and other faiths (such as Mormon, Jehovah's Witness, and Islamic faiths) are false?

8. What would you say to someone who asked why you attend church every Sunday?

9. What would you say to someone who asked how you know Jesus truly was God and wasn't just a great prophet?

10. What would you say to someone who asked why you are a Christian?

I know I would be at a significant loss of words. At least right now. I want to change that.

To leave you with a thought, how about you, how would you answer?

2007-10-25T21:36:00.000-04:00

An old, stooped man of a shuffling gate advanced slowly down the shelf lined hall. A particularly bushy and greyed mustache took up a prominent stature, this was topped by tired, but clear blue eyes. The wrinkles on his face rolled over each other, but the look of the face was friendly and laughing. He sat in a cushioned chair, settling slowly. He sat, seemingly motionless, unyet, he was not, for his eyes followed the small children as they scurried about the shelves, his face creased by a smile of appreciation for their activity and his peace. He sat for about an hour until he unhurriedly made his exit. He carried no books, and no evident benefit, but for the far away look on his face as he traced back through the memories of his childhood, his siblings, then later his own family, and even after that, the grandchildren. And now the children at the library.

I saw this man at work, obviously, and though was unable to talk to him, observed him most of the time he remained there. That which I would not know from his looks is obviously a ficticious add-on from my imagination, but it is quite interesting to think of such, in such a way.

2007-10-23T13:26:00.000-04:00

What's the point?

I pretty much always ask that question. Maybe its because I'm a lazy bum and I have to have a reason to do something. Maybe its that I'm wondering where it will take me. Either way I think that if I trusted than I'd be able to do something without asking 'what's the point of this?'

Its really makes you wonder.

What I found especially disheartening today was talking about something that I'll have to do in two years, something that seems impossible right now. Something I'd crazy to attempt at this point.

Sitting, Waiting, Watching (wishing).

Beware sarcasim and brutal honesty

2007-10-06T17:13:00.000-04:00

Well I last blogged on the 21st of September. Makes me feel guilty for neglecting it. Arn't you supposed to use the Internet communications (MSN, blogs, facebook, etc) as an aid, not a crutch, or a necessity? I guess that's sort of a question that I already know that answer to. That's really why I'm off Facebook for October (Keith's idea). Still I feel the need to 'stay connected' over MSN.

I'm doing too much. But I'm not doing enough. And I've totally just like, right out, cut down my schedule by like 2 events a week. If I just didn't have to sleep, then I'd get everything done, oh yeah, plus my goal to look like a raccoon.
Last night I went to the Rockton Fair. I don't regret using the time that way. I met some pretty awesome new people, and hung out with some old (hah) people. Than why am I so resentful towards losing the time. Maybe I want a full day to work, plus of course, a few hours to socialize, and then a full nights sleep. It just doesn't work that way. The day is perfect in length the way God made it. That's another thing, I believe about God making everything, and being like this intensely loving guy (excuse the term, it was for lack of other), but, I don't really feel personally connected to him. In fact I don't really think I fit under the term "Christian". I seriously don't like that, because I'd rather, but really, has it come to splitting groups in labeled columns by evidence of their actions? ...I don't even like the term Christian, because though it does define a certain group, they're all amazing individuals, they shouldn't be stuck in a group. I don't know how to explain the whole labeled thing, but if you ever thought about it (which I didn't until one of my best friends made me) you can't be in the box (or or the term), unless you acknowledge it.

Brittni, you need to read 'Growing Up Christian' by Karl Graustein, so we can talk about.

Busy, busy, busy, busy, busy, busy. And lonely.
I have to do Art, Math, and Science homework this evening.
No one is home.
My parents are a at Gaither's concert (ohh goodness, VERY abnormal).
And Kathleen is babysitting.
And I'm sitting here with this little ache in the pit of my stomach saying "come back!"
It used to

Art. Two point perspective, Tonal Rendering & the Proper way to make railroad ties (the most annoying exercise on the planet).

For love - we'll give it a shot.
Whooah, we're half way there.
Whooah livin' on a prayer.
Take my hand and we'll make it - I swear.
Whooah livin' on a prayer.
We've got to hold on to what we've got

I think I'm going to go talk to God. And listen to that song. I like it.

lonely

2007-09-21T12:53:00.000-04:00

i double dipped my carrots, i blasted my music until my ears hurt, and there was nobody to tell me not to do it.

i'm tired of being lonely, of being alone.

i wish next week would hurry up and get here.

2007-09-02T23:11:00.000-04:00

Picture me, a 5 year old. Its winter, I'm wrapped up in my winter clothes along with wool mitts and a pink wool hat. It's still winter cold, but recently the snow had a great melt down. The snow-turned-water washed the dirt into great puddles of mud. There are five of us children. Angela-8, Jay-7, Kath-7, Randy-5.5, Rach-5. We're at the other kids' family's farm. A simple affair of a dirty white farmhouse, a faded red barn, and a driveshed clustered around a grassyard containing a playground and yardshed. The buildings are bordered by a road at the front and two fields on the sides, but most importantly, backed by a narrow dirt lane, a curving path towards a looming wood of children's fantasies.
It was down this path that the five of us traipsed. All in winter attire that was much too baggy, but fit the purpose. The woods grew in the distance as we walked on. The trip down the lane seemed to be taking near to five times it should. And as I recall, the stride I now walk with swallows the distance in a quarter of the time. The bend in the lane appeared just below the dip in the rutted track, and the edge of the woods stood stiff to all lookers. The woods were boardered by tall weeds laced with frost and sprinkled with snow that settled deep at their base. A moment of hesitation and Jay stepped through the snow. He sank deep, and had to part the tall weeds that dwarfed his small frame. Angela followed, wading through and breaking a trail. I followed. There was mud beneath the layer of snow that came up to my waist. Breaking free of the weeds I was into the canopy of the trees. Leaves or no, the pines smiled a warm green scent as we picked our way through the forest towards the familiar 'pond'. Squeezing through a tiny gap in a ring of tall pines we gathered by the fort, that was suddenly exposed, as we stepped into the grove. The fort was primative. Wooden stakes pounded into the earth in a generous rectangle and more closely around the edges. Long tree branches lay on the wall frame, across the top, to form the rafters. Sheets of rusted and bent metal encircled the wood stakes to creat walls, and a great blue trap, spotted by many repairs, was cast over top. The small door faced the pond, a creek's dammed surface, glassy with ice. On the other side of the pond were an assortment of swings. Ropes cast over branches, looped holes in the bottom for feet, a wooden seat, a stout stick to swing on. A log see-saw sat to the side of the pond, dusted with powdery snow.
Inside the fort were a collaboration of amusments. In the back corner were a set of stone slabs, the oven. Above it and all along the back wall was a board shelf, nailed in place, and littered with chipped dishes and rusted pots. The rest of the fort was open, though a old dart board stood on the wall, darts waiting, and a an old milk barrel housed the handmade bows and arrows.
In the weather of the season we spent our hours of innocence living in the fort, traveling along the creek's length to the sack hill, where under a cleverly hidden cavern of tree's roots housed our feed sacks. Perfect for sitting on and coasting down the packed snow hill, and boot skating on the creek and pond. After a full morning of fantasies and snowy joys we would heed the call of the lunch bell to travel out of the woods. Being infinately careful to splash in the melted mud puddles, we raced each other in short bursts that took us faster towards the house that promised hot cocoa and cheese & tuna melts for lunch.

-a story of childhood memories as related to a friend

close your eyes and learn to see

2007-08-26T22:30:00.001-04:00

Life dishes you things you don't like

Sometimes you know there's a better place you could be

You just can't let go, and reach out again

You close your eyes and learn to see

All it takes is a moment of silence

But it's in this turmoil I got lost before

Sometimes I want it, sometimes I don't

I'm lost in descision, do I want more?

Where does this path go?

Will I like where it leads?

Am I still looking for the best,

Or am I ignoring what my heart's needs?

Should I be silent, should I rise up

Why all these questions, am I too fickle?

All questions, no answers

Oh dear I know this is quite a pickle

The fallen tears dried long ago

While others still live without release

I don't want to remain, I want to move

Please let me self, please

A war within, a war not of two

Nor three, or four

I'd like to clean these confusions up

Without creating more

Brought in with the rising tide

Is the thought there's a better place for me to be

And though I reach, I don't let go

And though I close my eyes I still can't see

do ya'know I forgot to post this like 3 weeks ago....OHWELL!

2007-07-25T16:50:00.000-04:00

I really really want to write this long post about something I've been mulling over for several weeks, the time period over which I have been unable to write, but I don't really feel like writing right now and I think that with the thing that I want to talk about I have to be...into it. I suppose having read that you will wonder, why is she procrastinating on writing about it, but I'd rather deliver it later than deliver it poorly. Man, I sound like I care! Haha, I do.

So, yeah, now that I've provoked wondering in your mind I will move on to why exactly I haven't been writing.

I've been busy. Originally it was with cramming school work that should have been completed months ago but never got finished, and once that was over after about a 10 minute break I was swept into the best week of my life. Everton VBS. A week where I was helping others, but it didn't feel like it, and at the end I came out with exactly what I needed going into it. The 'housing' was amazing, the food was amazing, the VBS was amazing(ly smooth running), and most of all the people were amazing. It was a week with a full roster and though I knew some of the girls (Jo, Lara, Sarah and the rest of the Pypker family) I was rather nervous about meeting the others. At least I thought there would be others. Turns out I was right. Leah, Robyn, and Jenna from Golden Woods...Sarah's barn. They arrived soon after I did and though as we took all our stuff downstairs there was a somewhat awkward silence we soon started talking and by Saturday's dinner were sufficiently acquainted to base a bigger friendship...I guess that sounds kind of technical but saying it simply would be we started talking and soon I soon decided that they were all pretty cool. Anyways, Sunday morning to our chagrin Jenna, Leah and I realized that in our enthusiasm to pack for the week had overlooked Sunday clothes. At least we all wore jeans. It did feel funny though. Sunday evening Evonne, Sarah's cousin arrived. Getting to know her was harder because she disappeared with Anna and nearly always stuck right by Sarah and wouldn't talk so much about herself. I really forget whether Lara arrived that evening or in the morning....but Robyn arrived that evening and Jo arrived on Monday morning. Eventually our crew arrived and according to my observations soon became extremely tight. It was actually pretty awesome because we would all walk to the church together every morning and then we would split up in crew leaders, techies, dramatic assistance, and snack monitors. We were apart but we were still working together. After the VBS day was over we would all walk back and then just hang out for the rest of the day.

I think my favourite hangout day was Tuesday when we went swimming and Leah started doing song actions under the water...which amused me greatly. The rest of the week was a brilliant yet typically unrecorded blur of happiness and fun.

By the end of the hangout afternoon(s) and evening(s) I had watched: Pirates of the Caribbean 1, Robin Hood Prince of Thieves, The Holiday, and A Series of Unfortunate Events. An eclectic

Also while the other girls danced to the actions DVD I video taped. It was a thing of the moment and I didn't know how much I would love it now to sit back and laugh at them as they made funny faces at me and over exaggerated the moves.

VBS ended Friday afternoon and was followed by a hotdog lunch. After that Jo had to scoot pronto but the rest of us went to the park with Richard and Jordan. It was an interesting time, mostly because it wasn't a specified, per organised action. Interesting as in good though. Most of the girls left later that (Friday) evening and Lara left Saturday morning but due to my father's stay in China and Kathleen's recent surgery I was left until Sunday evening.

Saturday morning Sarah was at the barn working early so I stayed 'home' and cleaned up the basement room and then vacuumed and folded laundry for a bit and then went downstairs and hung out. About lunch time Bekah called and told us about a Jacob Moon concert happening that night, everyone decided to go and Sarah was assumed attendance. The only catch was that when Sarah got home at the end of her work day at the barn she was tired and slightly pessimistic about the horseshow the next day (Sunday).

It was Anna's first show and boy oh boy she schooled in her first two classes! 1st & 2nd followed by 6th in equitation trotting poles. :D. Very good, very good indeed.
Sarah's classes started at 11:30 so Anna was done and Em, Anna, and I watched Sarah as she worked out some hacking classes on Danny, and than competed in a little jumping on Music (who was a grand ole feller and didn't refuse them!). In total Sarah competed in 7 classes and revceived a, 1st, 2nd, 2nd, 2nd, 4th, 5th & 6th. And then got a Reserve Champion ribbon! I know that you're not supposed to boast, plus its annoying, but I'm doing it for Sarah, cause I'm proud of her, and I hope this somehow gets to her.

Late that afternoon we returned home (the Pypker's....home #2, anywaysss....) to a snack of (the best) Greek salad (in the world). After we hung out a bit (attempting to hang a new yarn line on her wall to accomodate her ever growing ribbon collection) until my momma and my sista decided to arrive to pick me up. After which we enjoyed a delicious supper of belgian waffles slathered in both brown sugar and syrup ( Mr. Pypker style ;D). It was a slighting sad ending to my stay with the Pypker's as I gathered together my belongings and headed home. It was SO quiet without 7 girls being everywhere at once and I found that I missed being able to talk to a variety of people throughout the day and enjoy special memories with them. Twas sad. Though I shall live as I have connected to my Everton VBS buddie's through e-mail and facebook and look forward to attending their jointed barn's next show.

So I changed my font in order to differentiate between the two bits of writing. I'm going to post this now....I must have forgotten to post it when I wrote it nearly 3 weeks ago. Cherrio!

thoughts..

2007-06-25T14:48:00.000-04:00

Holding my breath for the end of this storm, oh God, please carry me through.
.
.
Sometimes the hardest thing and the right thing are the same...
.
.
I give you my destiny,
I'm giving you all of me
I want your symphony,
Singing in all that I am,
At the top of my lungs,
I'm giving it back...
.
.
Back to black and white reality, you still have to watch what you say...
.
.
Be careful what you wish for,
'Cause you just might get it all.
You just might get it all, yeah.
.
.
Would you be my life-line, please, its all I've got left...

I like italics. ( and friends who take the time to talk. :) )

Totally pumped!

2007-06-19T09:23:00.000-04:00

Oh my goodness.
I CANNOT wait.

July 7th-13th
Thats in....16 days!

In other interesting news...Rachie is working extremely hard, and following suit (with Keith) will not be on msn or other internet applications such as facebook, myspace, or facebox (Rachie's Twist...) very frequently. I will be checking email and prehaps blogging. Otherwise you can call me.

Now considering in my hand, at this moment, I am holding a time bomb then I shall be off.

**Once my rush of things to do is essentially over I will be blogging...more often...or more useful subjects.**

3x

2007-06-10T22:00:00.000-04:00

We pulled it off.
And, I had an amazing night.

Man, I love you guys! Teaching me like random skills like handlebar riding. Practically reading the "Motherly Instinct: People With Eyes Closed Crossing Monkey-bars. (The Manual)". Pretty much the entire evening was like so much fun for me. lol.

I don't really know what else to say, cause really it was totally worth it.
Three cheers for my, now, 16 year old sister!
Woot! Woot! Woot!

You see, when One only has one sibling and all the One's friends have multiple, that One's one sibling must be 3 siblings packed into one unit, and therefore is the score of 3 times the fun, 3 times the laughs, 3 times the love, etc.

On that note I shall be off.

A very tired Rachie.
(Who is almost sick of cake! :O)

one lonely set of foot prints

2007-06-04T20:42:00.000-04:00

time is sifting off her hands

like beach sand through her fingers

foot steps imprinted, mark her road

while she walks a path where no memories linger

the terrain is bare and bleak

and she doesn't know where she is

yet she knows what she goes to seek

tears trickle down a weather worn face

as she trudges through

running yet another painful race

not living, just barely existing

all she knows is shes going on

She thinks what shes doing

will take her far away

from everything she used to love

unyet she'll never go far enough

to blot out the memories

and the pain they cause

of a family she decided to leave

She still blundering on

with a spark of hope in her heart

but the truth is she lost her real map long ago

one lonely set of foot prints

leading a trail through untread territory

You see people everyday. But you don't know what they're like. Sometimes I wish I could become that person for a day. Or become one of their family, or closest friends just to see who they really are. Some of them are so much themselves you don't even wonder about them until you talk to them for a while and learn about them, their lifestlyes and their favourite things to do.

Some of them their history is all that makes everything different. Some of them wish they'd never done things like that. Some haven't seen they're wrong yet. Some of them know but don't want to acknowledge it. Some of them don't want to admit it.

Some are so stubborn it just makes me want to throttle them. I guess then I'd be throttling myself though.

anticipation

2007-05-28T12:33:00.000-04:00

an·tic·i·pa·tion /ænˌtɪsəˈpeɪʃən/ Pronunciation Key - Show Spelled Pronunciation[an-tis-uh-pey-shuhn] Pronunciation Key - Show IPA Pronunciation
–noun
1. the act of anticipating or the state of being anticipated.
2. realization in advance; foretaste.
3. expectation or hope.
4. previous notion; slight previous impression.
5. intuition, foreknowledge, or prescience.
6. Law. a premature withdrawal or assignment of money from a trust estate.
7. Music. a tone introduced in advance of its harmony so that it sounds against the preceding chord.

an·tic·i·pa·tion (ān-tĭs'ə-pā'shən) Pronunciation Key n.
The act of anticipating.
An expectation.
Foreknowledge, intuition, and presentiment.
The use or assignment of funds, especially from a trust fund, before they are legitimately available for use.

anticipation
noun
1. an expectation
2. something expected (as on the basis of a norm); "each of them had their own anticipations"; "an indicator of expectancy in development"
3. the act of predicting (as by reasoning about the future) [syn: prediction]
4. anticipating with confidence of fulfillment

Anticipation.
For so many things.

Anticipation

How beautiful the earth is still,
To thee--how full of happiness?
How little fraught with real ill,
Or unreal phantoms of distress!
How spring can bring thee glory,
yet,And summer win thee to forget
December's sullen time!
Why dost thou hold the treasure fast,
Of youth's delight,
when youth is past,
And thou art near thy prime?

When those who were thy own compeers,
Equals in fortune and in years,
Have seen their morning melt in tears,
To clouded, smileless day; Blest,
had they died untried and young,
Before their hearts went wandering wrong,
--Poor slaves,
subdued by passions strong,
A weak and helpless prey!

'Because, I hoped while they enjoyed,
And by fulfilment, hope destroyed;
As children hope, with trustful breast,
I waited bliss--and cherished rest.
A thoughtful spirit taught me soon,
That we must long till life be done;
That every phase of earthly joy
Must always fade, and always cloy:

'This I foresaw--and would not chase
The fleeting treacheries;
But, with firm foot and tranquil face,
Held backward from that tempting race,
Gazed o'er the sands the waves efface,
To the enduring seas
--There cast my anchor of desire
Deep in unknown eternity;
Nor ever let my spirit tire,
With looking for WHAT IS TO BE!

"It is hope's spell that glorifies,
Like youth, to my maturer eyes,
All Nature's million mysteries,
The fearful and the fair
--Hope soothes me in the griefs I know;
She lulls my pain for others' woe,
And makes me strong to undergo
What I am born to bear.

Glad comforter! will I not brave,
Unawed, the darkness of the grave?
Nay, smile to hear Death's billows rave
--Sustained, my guide, by thee?
The more unjust seems present fate,
The more my spirit swells elate,
Strong, in thy strength, to anticipate
Rewarding destiny!

2007-05-25T10:19:00.001-04:00

Yesterday I returned to a theatre I had been to perform at previously. As soon as I stepped through the doors I felt something was wrong and though I fought hard to escape what could be called a virtual mind cage, I couldn't. It was as though I was under attack. Things happened one after another that ripped my day to shreds for me. Anger resulting in sarcasim and regretful words were prominent. Familiar things haunted by something like seeing a dream played out. Infact the entire day seemed to be a dream. A bad one at most times aswell. Its like blundering about in a maze shrouded in heavy fog.

I really don't like what happened yesterday, and if I've any specific people, I'm really sorry.
Next drama I want to be like I wanted to be yesterday, free and enjoying the entire process. Instead I'm pretty sure I was a major party pooper. Yuck.

I'm really sorry.

faceless friend

2007-05-22T21:53:00.000-04:00

Shadows haunted the room, lit by a low fire. A small shower of sparks jumped as a log fell. She was seated in the corner of the room, the floor was concrete, and cold. She rose, leaning heavily on the wall as her numbed ankle began to warm a little. Walking with a slight limp she reached the fire and extended her hands to the flames in the expectancy of warmth. Drawing back in surprise from the artic flames her head spun, uncomprehending of the oddity and begging the comfort of a hot fire. Seating herself back in the corner of the room she took in her surroundings, her prison walls were all doors un-yet all of them had multiple locks and bolts. All were scrawled with words, some ledgable, some even in different languages. Profanities that shocked her drew her eyes to hover upon the letters. Fascinating by how they got there, or who had done it all, her attention absourbed by them. And though the doors and writings were many soon the going became boring and giving up she went again to the fire. Reaching her hand in the flames she was greeted only by something much like a soft cloth gentley brushing her palm and fingers, a strange sensation began to creep up her hand and through her wrist this inner coolness that made her shiver and mesmerized her to the now darkening to blue flames. Something inside of her wrenched and tore unyet her eyes were locked into depths of the ashes her mind numbing at lightening pace. Sudden warmth on her back dragged her back from the cliff of black that she was reaching. Warmth enveloped her tearing her from the fire and shielding her eyes from the blue glare that then settled away again to the elusive orange flickering flames. Turning she found nothing visable, though the curtain of heat warmed her cheeks and lit her dulled eyes. Tucked within the warmth she sat and resolved herself to day dreaming. A young boy stood by the fire, back to her. She called out and though there was no sound the boy the turned. His height, build and clothing were that of a four year old, and his hair was a tousled brown. With a jerk she realized that though the upturned face was beautiful and she could picture deep brown eyes in it, that was all she was doing. The face held no mouth, nose or deep brown eyes. He slowly lifted a hand and pointed to a clean door, one she hadn't noticed before, it was without writing and though white, quite narrow. Then holding his hand out to her, she took it and he lead her to the narrow opening. In his small hand was an even smaller brass key, and unlocking it he held it open. Doubt crept through her heart and the door became even smaller. The little boy slipped through easily, tugging at her hand, and her heart as she became more and more fond him. Turmoil rained, would she rather dwell in the suddenly cold room again or follow this little guardian whose non-existent mouth laughed and smiled happyily and venture into the unknown. Finally she stepped through, the door remained open, there was escape she thought in relief as she followed her faceless friend. They passed through beautiful fields of lush grass, tall willowy trees, and daisies that bobbed on the wind. Seated under a tree the swooped steeply down, they rested from their journey. She rose and left the sleeping boy to walk to the river. Dipping a strong leaf into the water she scooped soon out and drank greedily, letting it dribble down her chin. Filling it again she returned to the boy and gently waking him gave him the water, mouth or no. Walking together they left the river and soon the grass on either side withered to pathetic clumbs of short croped, sunburned blobs and the trees were choked out by ugly black vines while tall weeds cropped up around the daisies. The soft turf path turned to sharp edged rocks and she thought of turning back. The pretty boy pulled her hand and on she stumbled. Thirst scorched through her throat and no matter where they looked there was no water. Mumbling through swollen lips she thought over all she had done and quickly became bitter for entrusting herself in a small boy's hands. Tearing her hand from the little boy's she stumbled backwards away from him and fell. The boy's tears though silent called to her like an accusing crow's voice. Battle of self preservation and love raged as she lay limp, gathering herself off the ground she went to him and embraced him and let him lead her on. The thirst burned in her throat but yet she still followed him until she stumbled, fell, and could not rise again. She set herself to die in the dry place wishing tears to fall, unyet none came. The small boy knelt and laying a soft kiss on her cheek he stood and walked into the distance quickly disppearing from her swaying vision. Closing her eyes she rested her head on a patch of dry grass. A deep strong voice filled her ears after so many seasons of silence "Well done my child."

Matt 10:42
"And if anyone gives even a cup of cold water to one of these little ones because he is my disciple, I tell you the truth, he will certainly not lose his reward."

Mark 9:41
"I tell you the truth, anyone who gives you a cup of water in my name because you belong to Christ will certainly not lose his reward."

#1

2007-05-14T17:44:00.000-04:00

Another first.
Another end.
On goes the line of things I've done.
Passing me by and catching me up once again.
Things have changed again.
Theres always at least one consistancy that I can see.
My friends.
Thank you to you all.
I love you.
This blog is for you!
Comment! :)
Rachie