angry?

the things I post are always the ones that are either really sad, angry or happy. a strange coincidence, but what else would I write on. the rest is relatively dull and uninteresting. if that is so than I have no interest in writing about it.

I wonder if regular bloggers are peaceful people, because they have a vent.

he's gone.

10:15 on 10/15.

have fun in heaven, grandad.
I'll meet you there.

hello blog

only thirty words, yet everything I needed

the promise you'll be there, here, lingers

with hope i dare to dance

and all the wonderful things

This summer is crazy.
actually, it's also pretty well gone.
in a strange sort of, soon to be gone, but entirely enjoyable while it lasts.

Its funny how seeing a lower side of life where people with less make you appreciate what you have, even what would be labeled "normal", or at least labeled such in my world, like family. I saw a sign the other day that said this; "Family, its were everything starts". It was a random sign, but it was indeed rather thought inspiring. I also saw another sign, it said this; "all children left unattended will be given an espresso and a free puppy". It was less thought provoking and more laugh provoking.

Campfire was incredible. even being nervous when I first got on the bus, over the ride, and the break down of the bus I got to know some awesome people, before I even set foot on property. Once we got to camp it was everything I was told it was, as cool, and perfect, and more. The first person I saw (well, saw standing almost still, the rest of them were moving REALLY fast) was Crans. She wasn't my conselor, but Noa and Grippig were! (I'll call them by their camp names for simplicity) Monday was a total blur following that, and so was the rest of the week, but I'll try to pick out some highlights for the day. Bunking and meeting my cabinpack (officially, the best ever) was Monday's HL. There were Kim, who I knew before, Danielle, sarcastic and cynical, but awesome none-the-less, Christie, and Jess, who were totally pumped for God, and, Helena, who would teach me how to hemp -->AWESOME. It was crazy how quickly we bonded, and I felt my own "place" there. I was comfortable to be extreeeeeeeemely outgoing, so I met a lot of people, and got tight with a good amount of those aswell.

Tuesday was Inglias Falls. I'm still unsure how to spell the name. But I loved it. CPDs were done in view of the falls, and were definately an even deeper connecting point for our cabinpack. Danielle and I weren't instantaneously best buddies or the like, and we got a long just fine, but CPDs made us tighter, 'cause in response to a question; "why are we exposed to suffering?" (something quite close to that) Danielle and I, in perfect wording and timing replied "to test our faith and make us stronger in our trust of God". It was pretty epic. :) Then came the actually swimming in, or "on" the falls. Tori and I climbed around on the rocks a whole lot, which was fun! Even slipping on furry rocks and sliding in and then be swept away for a bit was fun. Altogether the falls were totally inexplicable. I loved it, it was beautiful, and I was with friends (lots of them) doing adventuresome things.

Wednesday.
Was being happy the whole day, and chapel, and the fire. and singing. a lot.

Thursday, Wasaga beach. Learning to hemp (the right way), watching william fly a kite for 3 hours, buying sandshovels with candy from tuck, and playing guitar with kim/talking guitar with Garry. Wait, the bus ride back still topped all those. Having an intense conversation with Kim and Tori about characters and how to deal with them, and how to love people who are hard to love, and complicated things like that.

Friday. Being busy ALL day, it seemed more than other days. And the fire/sugar throwing ceremony, and making up with Samantha. And making friends with Sam over tears and bear hugs, she went from being someone I knew vaguely to someone I thought of as my friend. Awesome batman belt and all.

Saturday. I didn't have a favourite time on saturday, because I was sad to leave my conselors, and my cabinpack. I cried on the bus, so did Kim. We're definately tighter for it all. WAY tighter.

Grippig went back to Holland already. :( I'm going to miss her. Even when I read her wall posts and photo comments and the like on facebook I hear her. I read one out loud to my mom and found I had subconiously spoken in a dutch accent.

Noa and Grippig, both had accents. I love accents, I think dutch might be my favourite for girls, and South African for guys. hmm.

I'm having a "campfire reunionish partyish sort of thing" at my house on tuesday. I'm stoked to see my friendlies again!

In other news, I'm done writing for tonight, even though I barely skimmed how amazing campfire was, and everything that's been happening around and about my life recently, plus its late. Goodnight, or good (really early) morning to Grippig/Lianne in Holland.

done!

or rather....I'm going to be....soon.

haha

have an awesome day!

ps.

I haven't fallen off the face of earth, I just happen to be working a lot.

Blogs, msn, and emails fall to the wayside of "more important" things.

Somehow though, even when I'm working I have all this brain time and get all these ideas and they run around my head, and some of them write themselves into stories that stay all packaged up and then suddenly split up and mix with something other until I have 20 new ideas, and 40 old ones that have all mixed and twisted up in the stranges ideas and calculations and stories. And sometimes you can't write any of them out, which is a strangly disappointing thing that is only proven stronger when you find just expressing the existance of them hard.


Sleep is an odd thing.

Like an off button.

Though things like off buttons were likely derived from the natural rest of sleep.

No. They were.

the end.
goodnight blog.

fun times

ghostly to toasty.

arguments

"that has NOTHING to do with failing your arms in the basement"

"So you think you can tell me my morals?"

"uhuh, uhuh, uhuh, yep, okay, uhuh, yeahh, right, yuppers. You're wrong."

"thats a red herring."
"what the heck is a red herring."

"Guys, would you just stop arguing already, I'm tired."

Arguements are pretty cool, especially when you're arguing a point you really don't believe, so you just have like two facts and you're using straw men and circular reasoning like crazy, and for some reason, the other person doesn't notice. ;)

By the way. I'm playing soccer tomorrow. Sheldon Park. Not the purple team. Come watch.

4 days
7 days
14 days
and 18 days

wee-oot life

my sister has a chew toy and my dog is on drugs.

what crazy world am I living in?

going for a nap,
Rachie

the tears fall with the curtain,

will there be a second act?

only the Playwritter knows that.

to put into words exactly how I'm feeling would a long and complicated process.

OCHEC was the usual.
The strange gap that showed itself every so often as groups split, and gained people, and dissolved. I made a new friend, and not with the premeditated intention of doing so either. I just happened to meet some cool people.
The Sessions that were good, but long.
The food court food that drives me crazy.
And the Sheraton's new pillow topped mattresses.
The overall affect?
I had a good time, I could have been good with a little more patience towards some particularly flirtatious parties, but it was fun.

This week is the short time in which I try desperating to sleep a lot and get a lot done at the same time, whilst finishing up AOC preperations with my mother.

Thursday, Friday, Saturday is AOC. I'm so extremely excited my mind is dancing. See, I don't dance, and well, considering I can't even figure out if I want a carrot or not, or which band to pursue at this time, than I think that justifies my mind-dance. :)

Then Drama week. *sigh*

fun story:
I wrote on my friend's wall with crayon.
It was incredibly fun. :)(L)

excited!

I haven't been this excited, since, like, the Canoe Trip or something.



AOC!



I finished designing the nametags this morning, after which I promptly was set to filling in everybody's info. A long job, and somewhat challenging due to the different formating and pieces that have to mesh just right so the print makes it look nice in stead of jumbled and fun. I have to print out a test sheet. Which happened to include my name, and I was like jumping up and down as it came out the printer, it was PERFECT. And the best part of this excitement? This is only the beginning of it!





Another thing I'm pretty happy for is the fact that the main bit of co-op and choir are over, it's not that I don't like those things (socially, of course), but the homework/practicing was getting to cause a bit of an overload. Actually a lot of one. Oh well!

dodododododododod

If you were at the New Years party I was at, than you will know what I mean when I say I'm still making headway with relationships. Sure, if you payed me to burn bridges I'd be a millionare, but I'm rather happy to say that most of the bridges burnt, (were done so in ignorance and misunderstanding, and) are repaired, or being repaired.

One more thing,

I just want to take a minute to shout out the Keith. Monday wasn't exactly the most easy day, sure it was overall fun, but geez there was a lot of drama. I needed a hug, and well, lets just say Keith is pretty awesome at giving hugs, and somehow, extra good ones just when you need them. So yeah, Keith, thanks for making me cry, it made me let go a little (even if you didn't see me cry), I love you, thank you for being my incredible friend. :)

and I'll be running..

..when the sand runs out...

Its weird how I didn't seem to realize before that one day people would walk out of my life, and into another stage of theirs. Perhaps a staircase to another level where we will meet again, perhaps a hall that leads them away, not to return.

time.

life.

preparation.

death.

eternity.

rather preparation for eternity is the form of life.

.

.

~

.

.

I hate the feeling of being suffocated by a smell. Usually an unpleasant smell. How odd that came up. It could have to do with the broken down old car nextdoor that they still try to drive. hmm.

.

.

~

.

.

Hot.

Spring.

Growing.

Summer.

Campfire!

Soon enough, I suppose. :)

Anthem of the Outdoors

I saw my first firefly today.
Just a wandering spark in a grey-blue sky.
I could hear the crickets.
Whether it was my imagination or not, I haven't decided yet.
The jiggled of dog tags coupled with the clicking of their nails on the sidewalk.
The busy hum of some summer-wishing people as they gather around a spitting barbecue.

The sounds that say come out. Stop working. Come out and breathe. Breathe the noises, and the sights and smells. The little croci buds peeping through the earth. The earliest of tulips poking their heads through their clustered leaves.

You know, I used to say having just summer and winter would be cool with me. But spring is pretty awesome. All the anticipation, and fresh, growing things. And fall, well, without fall I wouldn't be here, so I suppose I'll have to learn to appreciate fall. :)

I have to finish my art project,

goodnight!

shut it out

I have nothing you need, just a lot to hide
So why am I still here with You by my side

All I do is mess up, do the wrong thing

Instead of shining light, darkness shines through me

Don't wanna talk about it, just wanna shut it out

I'm not as bad as you think, the things I do are right

At least that's what I say, try to tell myself

Got it under control, I don't need your help

Try to do the right thing, end up doing it wrong

Don't deserve this life or even write this song

More I think of you, less I think of myself

Lord, increase Your light and shadow me out

Tell me it's out of love... why can't you see

Tell me it's out of love... it's You, not me

So with the mind, I myself serve the law of Him

But with the flesh of my bone, serve the law of sin

O wretched man that I am, who will deliver me

From this body of death pulling from His tree

I wanna talk about it, don't wanna shut it out

I am as bad as you think, the things I do aren't right

At least that's what I say, try to tell myself

You got it under control, Lord I need Your help

:(

Wenn mein Blockschloß fällt, ist Gott dort, mich anzuheben wieder.










:)

thoughts? I haven't decided yet.

Its April 1st. There's 16 minutes left until the joke's on them.
I just might make it out prank free.

So AOC is getting pretty big. We have almost 90 participants registered so far. That's 20 more than last year's meager 70. 70 people isn't bad, but when our limit is 100 its a bit of a let down.

I printed, filled out, and sent out my Campfire! registration today. I'm pretty pumped for it. Brittni tells me its amazing. And Kathleen, Sarah and Nikki second that, so I'm thinking I have it on good authority that it'll be worth my time, etc. Sami and Lia and maybe Timon (sp?) are supposed to be coming the same week. Teenweek 1. Fun stuff. :)

Its funny, I'm planning all these things, and I actually have to plan them super carefully, cause I have work, and conflicting obligations. It definitely wasn't this way last year. Cheers to meeting new people, making new friends, and getting tighter with the old people.

I have an ART project I have to do. I'm not sure when it's due, but I'm plotting to have it done by this Thursday so then my teacher can't tell me she doesn't like my idea and make me change up my sketches again. I suppose it is a rather flawed plan, but hey, if she wants me to redo it then I'll have one I like, and one she likes!

I did a sort of gig on Friday. At Sweets'n'Suites. Christy and did an acoustic cover of Pressure by Paramore. Which was pretty awesome. But especially her singing. I almost dropped my guitar twice cause I forgot to tighten it up before we went on, but she kept singing which was brilliant, and so I've been told, made it less noticeable. :P Next time the strap will be tighter and I'll keep going. lol. I think I like next times. More like having a second chance to do something over better. Anyway, it wasn't at all crappy, cause Christy totally covered!

Shout out to Christy, thanks for being chillax with my insaneness, I love you.

Another thing that's happening is I've given up MSN/Instant Messaging, Facebook, and Music/my ipod(s) from March 29th to April 27th. Its like a 30 day famine from those things. With the 30 hour (food) famine smack dab in the middle. (ps. if you want to sponsor me, I'd love you forever. Kay, so, if you know where my blog is, and who I am, then I already love you, and you're likely doing the famine yourself, so in either of those cases ignore this, or still be nice and sponsor me. Even a couple bucks helps a kid without water, now that's a good cause for your pocket change!) Right, so about this 30 day thing...the reason? Things were falling apart, and a few of those things were eating time that should have been being used to keep on top of school/life/everything. As a side note though, while you're around me don't feel obligated not to listen to music, I still like it, and if I'm with you its usually because I am somewhere doing some (ie. driving, at choir/co-op/youth group/church or w.e) its the music within my personal time and choice that I'm cutting down (not out). So I'm still playing guitar, and I have a couple CDs, like Lara's! :)

Kay, so I'm going to go try to do a final hash out of my art project, which I might post pictures of. Might. Eventually. haha

bye!

this is what happens when you start talking to your dog...

I should point out that the reasons I was talking to my dog a) no one else was home. b) you really need to talk some stuff out after you think about it like crazy for a long time. c) having someone/thing to talk to with rather expressive ears in quite amusing.

I've been thinking a lot about jealousy. Mainly in connection to the saying, "insults are the words of the jealous." Sometimes I find it hard to believe that. And though its not that insults stick with me long, or majorly rip me up, but that they do hurt some people, and I need to be aware of what I'm saying. I don't believe myself to be truly jealous of anyone at this time, but that's not a promise to me that I won't become wrapped up in what someone else has, or even is, sometime. And subsequently fall into the trap of insults.

Sparky: "Woof (x40,000)"
Me: "Sparky don't be jealous of that dog." (thoughts) why did I say jealous? where did that come from? would one dog sitting in the sun at a window be jealous of another bounding through the snow, tongue lolling..?
Perhaps the descriptions seems little overkill, but brain processes are pretty wicked fast, and that's what I caught.

You can sew up the rip, but you'll still see the tear...

I sewed up a rip in my jeans this morning. I thought I did pretty well. Until I bent my knee and the whole thing went different ways. I guess I'll be sewing them up again pretty soon, but it reminded me of jealousy again. Maybe I'm stuck on it, plainly put, obsessing over jealousy. But I'd rather be uber cautious than careless. Anyway, the rip. Its sort of like a situation of jealousy. Lets be crazy and use an interesting analogy. hmm. OK so Maria has a hairbrush a want. And that's the 'rip'. Then I get a hairbrush like it, that's the 'sew up job'. Then she gets a comb to go with it, and that's how it 'rips' again. Of course, that's a strange analogy considering that most like their own hairbrush, if they even use one, cause its not like I make a daily habit of it. But that's besides the point. And if you get the point, congratulations. You must be a genius, cause this is super muddled.

In a brief of what I'm trying to say is that jealousy can be there without you knowing it. You can be hurting others through the reaction to your emotions. Insults aren't the only sticky spot out there. Jealousy can be dealt with, but without being guarded towards it you're not guaranteed to not start up again.

And yes, I talk to my dog. :)

I've decided I really like Potjie (simply pronounced poyKEE). It's a South African type of Oxtail stew/soup. Its quite delicious.


Busy. Again, most people are busy, but lets just saying sharing just what you're doing makes it a little easier, in a little odd way. I was writing down my April shifts for work and wondering how on earth I was going to manage to get my shifts for March filled. Cause if I don't I won't be able to go boarding. Not good. So, I was stressing over changing shifts and fitting when I was working in with when people wanted to see me, and stuff I was doing, and it was seriously getting pretty depressing. So I'm sitting there being grouchy and then I realized the only reason I was depressed-ish was cause I was stressing over how many people wanted to see me....aka these people loved me,. so I had no reason to be sad or grouchy at all. So I called some people from work, and set them up to get back to me once their plans were finalized. So the ball is rolling. I could have fill-ins for every shift within the week. On the other hand, I might not...but lets just keep that hand behind my back for now shall we? Unfortunatlly I haven't been the most diligent I could have been with my schooling this year, and I know I'll be feeling the crunch at the end of the term so I figured I'd use March Break as a catch up. Well...between working, planning work, and trying to also catch up on sleep I guess I'm doing half as well as I should be. Nothing like a jam packed wensday worth of work though. Mum will be away for the morning. Kathleen will work half the day. Dad will be at work. And my only shift is an hour long. Perfect!

The Random Dog Poem

The walkers parade on the sidewalk across the street

The leashes guide imaginary dogs

As they dip below the snowbanks

The only dog to show its face is the Great grey Dane

The rest seem the same

A phantom running with the end of the leash

Aha, okay, that was super random fun to write.
And now I should go do some work.


one last thought though,
"War is the price of peace.."
Is this true or false?

you know what's joyous?

walking on freshly mopped floor and getting you socks soaked.
talking a walk in the middle of the city and seeing a woodpecker (one I have yet to define).
laying on the floor and wrinkling your nose at the doggy breath in your face.
opening a door that you didn't know what there.
blogging regularly.
knowing that today you're going back to work.
knowing that even if you miss people now, you'll see them again.
being weird enough to crave salad.
planning things. :)

and finding there are no misspellings in your newest blog post.

boarding

boarding is a fabulous thing.
so is flying.
when the two are combined they end in a landing.
landings hurt when your board isn't the first thing in contact with the ground.

I do so love boarding.
I should like to go right now, if I were able.
such a lovely amount of snow.
too bad Rachie had to go and get herself hurt.
shame, shame.

list

So going to the whole 24hour movie shoot has inspired me to do a few things...

1) actually write a plausable story that could be remodeled into a movie
2) do something to do with a crazy amazing camera really soon
3) appreciate my friends like an intense amount more than I do right now

and on the note of inspiration...certain people at teen club/young peoples inspired me to do these things...(numbered by continuation of list A)

4) learn how to ride a rail ALL the way on my snowboard
5) practice riding goofy
6) start doing bigger jumps involving 360 grabs and the such
7) be more critical of what I chose to listen to in the way of music, artists and bands
8) spend more time with my guitar...if I'm so in love with something slightly sonstructive, I should do it more often
9) write more varying riffs
10) learn how to play riffs and full score properly with good timing and all that

I think that's the extent of my list, for now. In other 'news' I'm going boarding tomorrow! (which will be a good time to excersise points 4 through 6.) A couple of my good friends are leaving for florida on thursday, which is sad, yes, but somewhat good, because I might be able to focus on school and work, and get a lot done. And therefore be able to spend more time with them later. This isn't really that much of a piece of news, cause everyone is it....but I'm rather busy. I think business happens to keep people on their toes.

Another thing....I'm going to be writing more songs on guitar...so remind me to get in some riffs...and if anyone knows a band with a good solo I can try out please let me know.

going to walk Sasha and Sydney!
:) goodbye blog.

leap day!

I thought I'd post on leap day just so I can make a tradition (maybe..?) that I'll only have to remember every 4 years.

Leap days are ussually passed over easily as an essential part of the 4 year calender, created just to keep us on track in the sense of numbers and dates and such. I guess it might have something to do with the rotation of the earth in relation to the sun, but I'm sure if, or how it would, so I'll leave the technicalities to those who actually know without looking it up wikipedia. But anyway, while leap days are passed over as a regular day I realized this year that really they're a blessing. To have another day in the year to be able to spend enjoying your blessings. To enjoy friends and family, and for this time of year, another day of education. I really did not enjoy school much until I read a post on a certain person's blog and realized how much I was ignoring as unecessary work. And though yes, it is unnecessary, it gives me the leg up in the culture I live in, today. Somehow I want to make today the different leapyear extra day. Do something special for someone. hmm.

Enjoy your extra day! :)

patience is a virtue

Patience. I can hear my mom saying it. If she were here she'd probably be telling me that right now. Tonight, I go on an adventure. And I can't wait.

I seriously cannot. I mean maybe being tired will be a big downside, but its not like you can't deal with tiredness. Hm.

1:30pm. Hm. 11 hours until it starts. Approximately 18.5 hours after that I'll be done. Who knows what emotions will be pumping through me by then.

Right now its joy, and a lot of excitement, mixed with a bit of frustration and a little sadness. Over all it makes for a rather lobsided equation on the part of excitement.

Thank you, Keith.

(p.s. the my blog clock is sadly out of time)

'06 I believe

You showed how to be myself
Not to worry of others thoughts
Even when I’m the outsider
I’ll remember what you said
Even if you didn’t realize it
I saw myself in parts of you
And thought of how I could be
Now I am much of that person
I used to hide in a shell
And collect plastic turtles
Know I like to talk
And ‘collect’ friends
I’m not as shy
And I sort of like parties
I do wild stuff
I hug like I mean it
And I don’t mind romantics
I now actually sing
Because when you sing it makes me want to
I’m not scared to be myself
Because now I’d rather be hated for who I am
Then loved for who I’m not
You took me all this way
Let me help you too

i may, or may not, redo my room.

i'll probably delete my facebook before the month is out.
i'll check and make sure i deleted myspace while i'm at it.
i'll delete my other blogs, and likely leave this one to gather virtual dust.

msn will get used, and gmail will keep pace.

other than that, I may, or may not, redo my online connection usage.

call it what you like, but RC has left the building.

logic is a bummer sometimes

Its been exactly 2 months since I last wrote. Sometimes I feel as though when I'm writing on my blog I have to say the thing that everyone will like. The thing that everyone with read, which they don't, and like, and comment positively. When you write something that you want other people to like, its mainly not what you believe. And you're likely not very passionate about it. I was thinking about this the other day, and if you're passionate about something you can still be convincing despite the fact that some people may not like what you're saying. Its like Matthew, an ex-tax collector, the ultimate public sinner. The sort of person you would think once out of the job would go hide himself in a hole and feel sorry for his lack of friends. But no, somehow when Jesus comes along and pulls him out of his job and says follow me, he goes, and definately doesn't hang around in some boring old hole. His life becomes a quest to loving others and passionate preaching, telling of the turning point of his life and bringing the truth message to the hurting. That sort of transformation simply isn't logically doable. Its like God is saying to me that despite the fact transformation and passionate belief isn't 'possible', He can do everything. Change me from being the logic addict into a child like believer of His love. Sometimes I wish I wasn't pumped with 'God knowledge' from day one. Don't get me wrong, I love living in a Christian home, having grown up in a love cocoon, but sometimes I think that starting out in an entirely hopeless situation would have me more willing to jump at the logically impossible. Wanting to fall in love with Jesus, a want that's distracting. It makes me feel cliche and hypocritical to talk about faith and God's unimaginable love for me, this way, but I know its the truth, why can't I drop the knowledge from my head to my heart? It keeps getting stuck in my throat with the words that I try to choke back.